I am sorry folks, but this will be a short article. Head Office and I have been In Birmingham Children’s Hospital for most of the week as our 11 year old grandson was suddenly called in for extensive heart surgery to correct multiple congenital abnormalities. As you can imagine, there was great stress, a seven hour operation and, as I write some 48 hours after surgery, he is struggling a bit and they still have him unconscious. It is a mightily impressive hospital with a wonderful staff. As you can imagine, writing this article was well down the list of priorities but it is now three hours to the deadline at midnight on the 14th so here we go.
There is little else to report. The house sale has excited little interest and we are spending most of our time in Feltwell. We have half our stuff in the Worcestershire new house and the other half is still in Feltwell. Predictably, we are always looking for stuff which turns out to be in the other property.
One or two good jokes have come my way recently and I recall one or two others from the distant past so here we go.
Apple have invented a new computer chip that can store and play stereo music in women’s breast implants. Called the I t*t, they are sold in pairs and will sell for about £500 the pair. No longer will those ladies be able to complain about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws’
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for and early business flight Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5am. He left it where he knew she would find it, The next morning, the man woke up only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5am Wake up’.
This may be of interest to you or someone you know. A friend of mine has two premium tickets with hospitality for France v Wales next month. He paid €300 each, but he didn’t realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It’s at the Registry Office, on Grand Canal Street at 4.30pm. The bride’s name is Nicole — she’s 5’4″, about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
I first heard this joke when I was a schoolboy. A man died. He had led a normal sort of life and it was decided that the decision to send him to Heaven or Hell was difficult as he was sitting on 50% points so the decision could go either way. It was decided to give him a taster of each place and he opted to have a look at Hell first. Actually, it wasn’t too bad and he was invited to lunch. All the knives and forks were nearly 3 feet long and people found it impossible to feed themselves, dying eventually of hunger and starvation. He went to have a look at Heaven and found everyone to be well nourished and happy. Invited to lunch, he discovered that they too had 3ft cutlery. He told them “I’ve just had a look at Hell. They have 3ft cutlery and cannot feed themselves so they are all dying. You all look fit and well”. The reply came back “Well, up here, we feed each other”.
Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet