Usually, when I sit down to write the monthly offering, I have some sort of idea of the intended content of the article. Sometimes, like now, I just do not have a clue! Life is fairly quiet, the bluebells are all resting underground, spreading sideways and building their energy for the Spring onslaught, the moles in the lawn have all been sorted out by Phil Ashman, the rat feeding stations in the barns are all full and being inspected daily, the lawn moss has been treated, the Boat Club treasurer work is up to date, the Churchwarden work is up to date, my appraisal study and revalidation paperwork is well on track and Management is fully occupied knitting two jumpers for Imogen and Maggie, the Liverpool twins. This matter of the jumpers has developed a sense of urgency as their father, our son Duncan, has been appointed to a position in Gibraltar and is taking his wife and the twins to live in Spain, leaving in two weeks time! Angus, another of our sons, is also moving to Spain for a job in Gibraltar and will be taking his wife and three children, Oliver and the twins Sam and Milo. He will be going in December and the family will follow in March. They both assure us that we have done nothing to upset them and that this is a good career move. Give me a few weeks and I shall be an expert on flights to Spain. I know, I’ll talk about WD-40.
WD-40: I don’t know about you, but I am never without my can of WD-40. It was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company, searching for a water displacement and de-greaser to protect missile parts. They were successful at the 40th attempt, hence the name WD-40, and it was bought by the Convair company to protect their Atlas missile parts. I use it for lubrication and rust prevention. However, according to recent information received, it will also achieve the following: (Go online and you will find over 2,000 uses in total)
Protect silver from tarnishing / Remove road tar and grime from cars / Remove graffiti paint on smooth surfaces / Restore and clean blackboards / Loosen stubborn zips / Remove lipstick stains /Untangle jewellery chains / Remove stains from stainless steel sinks / Remove dirt and grime from the barbeque / Remove tomato stains from clothing (I’m going to try it on those yellow stains which always happen when I eat spaghetti bolognaise) /Cleans water spots from glass and plastic shower screens / Cleans squashed flies from the front of cars (Joke: What’s the last thing to pass through a fly’s brain as it hits your windscreen? Answer – Its bum) / Removes grease from a stove / Removes all trace of sticky tape / Removes chewing gum from anything / Some people spray it on inflamed joints to relieve arthritic pain / Stops the bathroom mirror from fogging / Spray on plantpots to discourage slugs / Spray on insect bites to relieve itching. Of course, you can use it for lubricating umbrellas, bicycle chains, guitar strings, scissors, door hinges, etc. It will even keep flies off cows and pigeons off your balcony (they hate the smell). It occurs to me that, if I am going to use it for all the above, I might as well also use it as aftershave because the aroma will surely penetrate everywhere in the house. By the way, it is made from fish oil! Let me know how you get on.
A few quotes: “I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “Paedo” and other names at me, just because I am 50 and she is only 21. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary”
“I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen last night – all I said was ‘Hurry up, for Goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to”
“I was sitting in a restaurant when I was hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouted “That’s just for starters!”
The overcharged hotel guest: A lady treated herself to a night in a London hotel and was appalled to be handed a bill for £450. She called the manager who explained that his was a very prestigious hotel with a superb swimming pool (“I didn’t use it), gymnasium and sauna (“I didn’t use them”), a huge conference centre (“I didn’t use it”), an in-house show with some of the best entertainers from the UK (I didn’t go to it”). The manager continued to list the available amenities; each time, she told him that she had not used them and he replied “Well, madam, the amenity was available and you could have used it”. In the end, she decided to pay and wrote a cheque for £50. “But madam, this cheque is only for £50.” “That’s correct. I charged you £400 for sleeping with me” “But I didn’t” “Well, too bad, the amenity was here and you could have used it.”
Best wishes, Ian Nisbet