River Wissey Lovell Fuller


September 2020

Well, as of tomorrow (September 14th) we are entering a new phase of restrictions which will probably screw our recently arranged short break to Center Parcs with Angus and his family as we shall be a party of seven – one more than the six allowed. We shall see. Deannie and I are still deeply into preparing our photobooks, covering family history from the mid 1700's to 1986. This has involved a serious amount of photo editing, deleting creases, enhancing old photos and so on. Very many hours have been spent on research and the reparation of the books, and we shall be similarly occupied for weeks to come so lockdown is no big deal for us – just frustrating. Lockdown does not offer great opportunities for the magazine articles so please bear with me. My lawn has been scarified to death and then re-seeded. I have to water it lightly twice a day and, currently, there is a race between how fast the pigeons can eat the new seeds and how fast the seeds will germinate. Currently, our bird feeding stations are catering for 50 Goldfinches (the number has been independently verified by management) but, happily, they show no interest in grass seed. As my current lawn mower has an incorporated roller (bad news for new grass), I am having to dig my old Mountfield out of store and have it resurrected. “What” I hear you shout “Have you still got your store room after nearly 3 years?” The quick answer is in the affirmative. The double garage is gradually getting sorted out, after which the store will be attacked. It has been useful for Calum while his kitchen was being remodelled but I am having trouble finding a home for the furniture and about 20 cases of books. I have to accept that my wonderful Raleigh Superb policeman's tick tick bike which I got when I was 11yr old and has taken me all over the country in my younger days, will have to go as I can no longer lift it. Bullets will have to be bitten! How about this for a Victor Meldrew type moan? At the front of our house, I have planted a row of box balls (the same plants as form box hedges but cut circular). Obviously, they need trimming a couple of times a year (never before the end of May) so I treated myself to a small pair of electric shears, a bit bigger that those used by hairdressers. Safe enough, you might think, and this is the case until you are distracted by a passing neighbour. Coordination failed and I took a chunk out of my finger. Bitten by my own clippers. (The moan starts now). Wander indoors, a dirty rag tied around the wound, find the box of Elastoplast equivalent and then bleed to death while trying to extract the plaster from its wrapping. We have several boxes of such plasters and they are all equally difficult. Any ideas would be gratefully accepted. Head Office suggests that, before embarking on any gardening project, I should lay a tray with clean dressings, a tourniquet, several opened elastoplasts and a drip set in case an infusion is necessary. George came home from University in tears and asked his mother whether or not he was adopted. She reassured him that he was most certainly not adopted.He then told his Mum that he had taken DNA tests which showed no match for any of his relatives but showed a strong match for people on the other side of the city. Perplexed, his mother called her husband and said “DNA tests show that George is not our son””Well.obviously” he replied. “It was your idea in the first place. You remember that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry. On and On. You asked me to go and change him and I think I picked a good one – I am really proud of George” I often have a quiet smile when visiting the “rest rooms” in motorway service areas or large stores. There is always a Baby Changing Room – I think of this joke.. A business woman has to go to Italy for a business conference. Her husband takes her to the airport and she thanked him and asked if she could bring him anything back. He laughed and said “An Italian girl”. When she arrived home, he enquired after her trip and asked her where his present was. “Which present?” “The Italian girl” “Oh that, I did what I could. We shall just have to wait nine months to see if it is a girl”. A lady makes a new female friend at the Gymnasium and, after six months, she receives a wedding invitation. “Is this your first wedding?” “No, my fourth”. “What happened to the other three?” “The first ate poisonous mushrooms and died. So did the second” “What did the third husband die of?” “Oh, he died of a broken neck” “What?!” “He wouldn't eat his mushrooms” Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet

Copyright remains with independent content providers where specified, including but not limited to Village Pump contributors. All rights reserved.