River Wissey Lovell Fuller


August 2020

AUGUST, 2020

We are still in lockdown, taking the view that, having been isolated for four months, it will not hurt us to hide up for a time longer while we wait to see whether or not there will be a recurrent “spike” following the loosening of restrictions. We are quite happy here, the garden is a riot of colour with 6ft hollyhocks on both side of the front door, and the garage is much clearer now. We do venture out occasionally to top up provisions but most of our food is being delivered by Morrisons. The sheltered nature of our existence rather emphasises the importance of minor “life events”, one of which troubled me for a couple of weeks. My old 4S Iphone met with a fatal accident involving a flight from upstairs to downstairs followed by a collision with the tiled floor in the hall. The back of the 'phone was smashed but the front seemed OK so I carried on unperturbed until a crack started to appear across the front screen and it became a bit unpredictable. Time for an upgrade! A chat around the family produced the upgrade. Calum gave me his old 5S 'phone which had been “unlocked” so I could use it. However, it needed updating before it would accept my burglar alarm app (I am so advanced in technology that I can now switch our burglar alarm on and off remotely, even from abroad. I draw the line about drawing the curtains, setting the oven or turning lights on and off remotely). You update an Iphone by connecting it to a computer, hooking up to Itunes and setting the update in progress. I hooked it up ans set the update in motion. “This 'phone cannot be updated- error message 4005”. No matter how often I tried, the same happened. Eventually, I spoke to EE who put me on to Apple where a very nice man enquired the age of my Imac (a super large all singing and dancing computer bought for me by Deannie in 2011). He was very polite, but his message was that my computer was so ***** old that it could not be upgraded sufficiently to enable it to carry out the 'phone update. What to do? “Easy”, he said “Throw it away and buy a new one”. Gulp.As I recall, my Imac cost about £1.200. It should have been more but we had accidentally gone to Cambridge on Black Friday! A quick look reveals that a new one nowadays would cost between £1,750 and £2.250. As my current machine is more than adequate for my current needs (leaving aside Iphone updating) I decided to forget about changing the computer and visited my neighbours who have modern computers – no joy there as their machine would not accept a USB connection. Eventually, son Grant introduced me to a bloke who lives down the road from him and he sorted it out. Grant's comment was that, for someone in no other way parsimonious, I had a remarkably negative attitude to mobile 'phones. I responded that I need a mobile to make and take calls and, perhaps a few pictures and set my burglar alarm remotely. I do not need it to cook my breakfast or even to go on the internet, 'cos I”m a Luddite! RANT OF THE MONTH: One of the reasons I pay my TV Licence is to enable me to watch TV without adverts. However, have you noticed that most of the BBC programmes seem to end five minutes before the next programme is due; that time is spent screening endlessly repeated trailers for future programmes. For example, the comedian who calls his irascible father “Daddy” keeps appearing “We have all been missing sport” (I shout at the TV “Oh,no, we haven't) before trailing his new sports programme. Repeated once an hour for about 6 weeks (or so it seems) this becomes really tedious. Many other similar trailers follow the same pattern. Even Deannie is getting fed up with them and they don't come much more tolerant than her.

A man came home from work looking very upset. His wife asked him what was wrong but he would not tell her. He pushed his meal around the plate, staring out of the window.When pressed, he said “I can't burden you with my problems”. She replied “Nonsense, we are partners We face all our problems together. Your problem is my problem. Sp, please tell me what is wrong”. He looked at her glumly and said “OK – we got our secretary pregnant and now she is suing us for support” A man was talking to his friend in the pub. “You know, I am going to change my holiday plans in future. I went to the Bahamas and my wife got pregnant; I went to Tahiti and she got pregnant again! “So, what are you going to do differently this year?” asked his friend. “I'm going to take her with me”. A wife was unhappy that her husband spent so much time in the pub. “Come with me” he said, so she did.”What would you like to drink?” he asked “I'll have the same as you” So, they both had a Jack Daniels (other brands are available) . He downed his is one gulp and she took a sip and immediately spat it out. “Yuk, that's horrible I don't know how you can drink this stuff” “Well, there you go – and you think that I am out enjoying myself every night!”

Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet.

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