River Wissey Lovell Fuller


August 2019

Unsolicited photographs Years ago, enterprising people would fly a helicopter over your house, print and frame a copy of the photograph and then they would knock on your door, trying to sell you a copy. Often, they were successful. Nowadays, enterprising people take a photograph of Management and me driving in the much loved and irreplaceable Renault Espace before sending me a black and white photograph through the post. The charge for this is greater than the cost of the old aerial photograph, usually about £80, reduced to £40 if I pay within two weeks. Our first such photo was taken in London where we were to attend a wedding. Aware of the congestion charge, I spent some time on the computer paying two weeks in advance. The computer programme was not very user friendly and it kept kicking me back to the beginning. Eventually, I paid and I remember being really smug as I entered the congestion charge zone, knowing that I was all paid up. I was less smug when, a week later, the black and white photo arrived in the mail. £90 fine, reduced to £45 for prompt payment! Obviously, they were mistaken. Out came the paperwork, careful inspection of which showed that, in all the computer confusion, I had paid the congestion charge, not for the day of the wedding but for the day on which I was trying to pay for it, two weeks earlier. The second such photo appeared after a visit to Tesco. As I paid for my shopping, I was handed a voucher for the parking machine. What? It transpired that “guests” were allowed two hours free parking in the Tesco car park and that I had to register my permission to leave at a machine at the front of the store. Eventually, I found the machine which was being used by an apoplectic bloke who eventually stormed off, steam coming out of his ears. I moved in and rapidly had permission to leave. At this point, it occurred to me that I had not been asked to enter my car registration number. I had probably completed Mr Apoplectic's process and trouble could be ahead. I therefore kept all the paperwork, Tesco bill, voucher, etc and noted the time at which I left the car park (1.10pm). Sure enough, a week later, the black and white photos arrived informing me that I had entered the car park at noon and left at 1.40pm.. Although this was within the allowed two hours, I was to pay £90 fine (halved for prompt payment) for not checking out of the car park properly! I sent a robust response, noting that their exit camera was inflating the length of stay by 30 minutes and enclosing a bill for my wasted time dealing with this situation. They cancelled the charge promptly but failed to apologise or to pay my bill. Many supermarkets offer free parking for a couple of hours but, here in the Midlands, there are many different ways for customers to check out of the parking at the end of the stay. So, when shopping in unfamiliar surroundings, always be careful to read the signs in the car park. I shall give you some more examples next time.

Three handsome male dogs were strutting down the street when they encountered a beautiful poodle. They rushed up to her and competed for her affection. She was aware of their desire and said “The first one of you to use the words cheese and liver in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me. The black labrador tries “I like liver and cheese” and was dismissed. The golden retriever tried “I don't like liver or cheese” and failed. The last of the three dogs, a tiny Chijuahua gave her a sly smile and a wink before turning to the other two dogs and saying “Liver alone, cheese mine!” A man worked at the Post Office; his job was to open letters with illegible addresses and attempt to forward them appropriately. A week before Christmas one came from an old lady and was addressed to God: I am an 85 year old widow with little money. Yesterday, someone stole my purse which contained £100 for my Grandchildren's Christmas presents. The man and his colleagues were so touched that they had a whip round and collected £90 which they put in an envelope and sent it to the lady. A few days later, they found another letter from the lady to God. “Dear God, Thank you so much for the money you sent. I was able to buy all the presents and we all had a wonderful Christmas. By the way, there was £10 missing. I think it must have been those thieving toe rags at the sorting office” A Canadian tourist visited a native American reservation and met a chief who claimed to remember everything that had ever happened to him. The tourist asked What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday? The reply was Eggs. Five years later, the tourist visited the reservation and, on meeting the chief, greeted him with a raised hand and said HOW! The response was instant Scrambled. A minister gave a talk to the Rotary Club about sex but, when he got home, he was too embarrassed to tell his wife, so he told her they had discussed horseback riding. Later in the week, his wife met some of the Rotary members and they complimented her about her husband's speech. She said I was surprised about the subject matter as he has only tried it twice. The first time, he got so sore he could hardly walk and, the second time, he fell off! An old lady sat on a park bench next to a young lady nursing a brown paper gag. What's in the bag, dear? Asked the old lady. It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband. The old lady pondered for a few seconds before replying Good trade, dear – Good trade.

Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet

Copyright remains with independent content providers where specified, including but not limited to Village Pump contributors. All rights reserved.