River Wissey Lovell Fuller


April 2019

Last month, I extolled the virtues of my new razor, the Gillette Fusion Proglide Flexball Power Razor. When you turn it on, the head vibrates and it swings in a variety of directions, reminding me of some of my medical student friends after a good night out! To use the razor with maximum speed and comfort, shaving cream is necessary and I have been using Gillette Shave Gel which comes in a tall black pressurised container. When the top is pressed, a powerful get of green gel flies out, turning to white foam when it hits water on the face - Magic; I forgot to mention last time that the nozzle on the can is virtually invisible and, if extreme care is not used, the bathroom wall receives the foam instead of the face. As I am never at my best early in the morning, this is not unusual. However, all was going reasonably well until I bought some Right Guard underarm deodorant spray which carries a 48 hour guarantee, has a cool and invigorating fragrance (!) and comes in a tall black pressurised container. I can confirm that spraying the face with deodorant is no great problem but an armpit full of shaving foam is a different matter! PLAN - allow more time between waking up and abluting. As we are heading off to our humble timeshare in a couple of days, I am writing this article on March 21st with Brexit chaos rampant. Heaven knows what the situation will be when this article is published. Those who are fed up with the behaviour of some MPs would have appreciated the joke I cannot use about the lorry drivers stuck in a massive traffic jam on the M4 who were told that the queue extended into Westminster where terrorists had taken control of the Houses of Parliament and taken all the MPs hostage, threatening to douse them with petrol and set fire to them. All the lorry drivers were asked to make a contribution to help find a solution to the problem and most offered a gallon or two. I am well aware that a great many MPs are honourable and as disgusted as we are with the behaviour of those dishonourable MPs who are messing about and, in deference to those who are behaving honourably, I have decided not to print the above suggested joke.

Scientists at Farnborough built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum speed. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British Rail engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains which were also susceptible to bird strikes. . Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British Rail engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. Horrified, they sent Farnborough the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged their scientists for suggestions Farnborough responded by suggesting that they should try again, but, this time, the chicken should be defrosted before the experiment. A keen young photographer needed to take aerial photos of a forest fire. He rapidly arranged a hire ‘plane, ran to the ‘plane as the pilot was warming it up and shouted “Let’s go”. They took off and he said to the pilot “Make a couple of low passes so I can take pictures”. “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I am the photographer”. The pilot went pale and stammered “Does that mean you are not the flight instructor?” Enjoy the Spring! Best wishes, Ian Nisbet

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