River Wissey Lovell Fuller


March 2019

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered him “The Teeth”. Last time, I promised to include the full version of “the talking dog for sale” joke. This joke is funny on several levels and I love I. Here we go! An elderly man, who had recently lost his wife, did not have a soul in the world and was very lonely. He saw an advertisement in the local paper “Talking Dog for Sale”. He telephoned the owner and went to the house where the owner suggested that the man should go into the back garden and have a chat with the dog.The dog, a labrador, was sitting under a garden table, reading the Financial Times. “I believe you can talk” said the man. “Oh, yes. As a puppy, I realised that I was able to understand and talk very many foreign languages. As I grew up, people got used to the fact that I could talk ; boredom set in so I taught myself to read. Eventually, I became really bored so I went to the Army Recruitment Centre and persuaded them to let me join up. They cut down on my food and made me grow my coat long and, when I looked scruffy enough, they sent me to Iraq where I had to pretend to be a stray dog, mix with the enemy and bring back to my commanding officer all the intelligence I had gathered while sitting around cafes and bazaars. It is fair to say that my information prevented many surprise attacks on our troops and saved many lives, both military and civilian. After about 5 years, my hips played up and I had to retire from the Army on medical grounds. I came back here; the pension was good but I soon became bored again so I volunteered to join the police as a volunteer. They seconded me to the CID and I spent a lot of time in pubs and cafes, sitting under the table and gathering information about planned bank raids, burglaries, fencing of stolen goods, and so on and reporting back to the police station. It is fair to say that I was very successful and the crime rate in our area dropped significantly. Eventually, they retired me and I returned here to live. Now the old fool who owns me wants to sell me!!” The elderly man was mightily impressed by all this and decided to buy the dog if he could afford him. He asked the owner how much he was asking for the dog and was told £5.00. “What?” said the elderly man “£5.00 for such a wonderful dog who has such an interesting and brave history, can speak several languages and taught himself to read? That cannot be right!” “Well” said the owner “That's easy to explain. He is a lying, idle little b*gg*r who has never been farther than my garden and the local park in his life” A blonde girl was tired of being the butt of blonde jokes as she knew she was intelligent and no-one could fool her. She cut her heir short and dyed it brown. She drove into the countryside and came across a shepherd with his sheep. She engaged him in conversation and then asked “If I guess the number of your sheep correctly, will you give me one?” He concurred and she guessed 282, exactly correct. Amazed, he told her to take a sheep and, as she was driving away, he asked her “If I can guess the natural colour of your hair can I have my dog back?” MISERABLE TIME OF YEAR, SO ALL JOKES THIS MONTH! Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet.

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