River Wissey Lovell Fuller


July 2018

The tussle with Deannie's Satnav continues. I gave myself another hour and soon realised that I was getting nowhere “inputting” the address. I realised that there is a facility to communicate orally with the machine so I opened it up and asked the resident girl to “insert an address into the destination screen”. The screen opened up and I told the girl that we were in the United Kingdom and that the address was in Hagley. So far, so good - she typed Hagley into the space. Next came the street. I told her “Amphlett Close”. She asked “Did you say Thornberry Avenue?” When I said “No” she got very shirty because I had not waited for the bleep before replying and told me that she could no longer hear me followed by “Goodbye”. Enough was enough and I packed it up. I looked for tutorials on the internet but there was nothing suitable. I wonder if I could turn her into a bloke who might have more patience with me. There has been much publicity of late concerning the theft of motor cars by thieves who use a machine easily purchased online to hold outside the house and pick up the radio waves from a key fob. These signals are then transmitted to the car and the thieves are away with the vehicle within couple of minutes. Management's car (the one with the horrible satnav) has a key which does not transmit so she is not at risk. My Espace, however, does have a transmitting key. We all know how desirable an eight year old Espace is to car thieves so I started storing my car keys in the refrigerator (any metal box will do) to defeat the radio wave detectors. Unfortunately, the keys seemed to fall out of the 'fridge whenever Head Office opened the door, often hitting her on the head. Managerial input got a bit strong so I started to store the keys in a ramikin dish on the top shelf of the 'fridge. All went well until last week when I came downstairs to discover that a bottle of fizzy wine had exploded, splashing ALL the contents of the 'fridge and filling my ramikin dish and its precious contents with wine. Two hours later, everything had been washed and dried and the 'fridge thoroughly cleaned and polished. Happily, the car keys seem to have survived unscathed so I now keep them in the 'fridge, safe in a plastic box with a lid. A man returning earlier than expected gets into a taxi at midnight and offers the driver an extra £50 to act as a witness as he suspects his wife of having an affair. Arriving at the house, they both tip toe into the bedroom and find the wife in bed with another man. The husband tore off the bedding and held a gun to the man’s head and the wife shouted “Don’t do it. He has been very generous and I lied to you when I told you I had inherited money. In fact, this man paid for the new Mercedes I bought you, he paid for our new boat and our new caravan and he paid your golf club joining fee and looks after the membership fees as well”. Shaking his head, the man lowered the gun, looked over to the cab driver and said “What would you do?”. The cabby said, “I’d cover him up with the blankets before he catches cold”. A lady found herself standing at the Pearly Gates and she was told that admission depended upon the ability to spell any word of her choosing. She chose L-O-V-E and was admitted. St Peter asked her to take his place at the Gates for a few minutes as he needed a break. To her surprise, her husband appeared in front of her. “What happened to you?” she asked. He told her that he had been so upset at her funeral that he had been in a fatal accident and asked her if he had made it to Heaven. “Not yet” she replied “to get in you must spell a word”. “What word?” he asked. The woman responded “Czechoslovakia”. Without warning, a man told his wife that he was inviting a friend for dinner that evening. The wife was not happy “What, are you crazy? The house is in a terrible mess, I don’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I really don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight”. “I know all that” replied her husband. “Then, why on earth did you invite him for supper tonight?” asked the wife. The answer from the husband “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married”.

Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet

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