River Wissey Lovell Fuller


March 2017

A manufacturing company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make £200 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy £800 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what job that slacker did here?" From across the room came a voice: "That was the pizza delivery guy” Advice for people of my generation: Do not introduce yourself too vigorously to new people – they may be old friends you have forgotten. Give up the mother-in-law jokes as, nowadays, your wife is the mother-in-law. Don't be envious of your friends who tell you they are doing it five times a night – they mean going to the loo! When discussing the grandchildrens' history lessons, don't let them know that you were there. Unsolicited telephone sales calls: If, like me, you hate receiving an uninvited sales calls, you probably lie awake at night, dreaming up ways to deal with them. My favourite is to shout to an imaginary grandchild to go and get Grandpa who is in the barn by the fourth meadow down the hill, just behind the lake. I warn the child to be careful rowing across the lake and invite the caller to hold on! There follows an amalgam of my ideas and some I found on the worldwide cobweb. I am particularly irritated if they start out with, "How are you today?". Try saying, "Why do you want to know?" or "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. If they want to lend you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could really use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" If the person says they're Joe Soap from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. I am old school and I get really fed up to be called Ian by a stranger on their first contact. The following idea came from my good friend and eminent hotelier Paolo, who was extremely colourful (you may remember a previous article detailing his resistance to contraceptive vending machines being installed in his 5 star hotel, telling the owners and the newspapers that all his guests were perfectly happy using the shower caps provided). His idea for dealing with inappropriate use of his christian name works well with male or female callers. Caller “Is that Ian / Paolo?” Ian / Paolo “Have I slept with you?” Caller “Wot!!!!” Ian / Paolo “Well, I was just wondering why, if not, you were calling me by my christian name”. The most successful result I ever had with this technique was an explosion from the bloke who had called; he told me that I should be locked up in prison and hung up in a huff. A RESULT! Alternatively, let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really" or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you, whether they be male or female. They will get all flustered. Then just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. This next one works better if you are male. Reverse it if you are female. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ window sales. You: "Hang on a second." (Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" Alternatively, cry out "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from. Alternatively, say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. -or- Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Telemarketer:"This is Bill from ACME Windows" You: Hello, Bill, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Bill:"Wolverhampton."You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees. Enjoy your day" -or- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. When they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home . If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yes, now you know how I feel.” Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet

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