River Wissey Lovell Fuller

What Does The Doctor think this month?

July 2016


******** Spanish Bluebells

Once again, the garden has turned blue. The wretched Spanish bluebells are on the march again and they are beginning to regain control. New readers should be aware that, for many years, I have waged war against these Spanish bluebells (and Management, who quite likes them). For clarity, I love English bluebells which are short, have droopy flowers and very little greenery around the base. Unfortunately, they are under constant attack from the Spaniards which have massive amounts of greenery, have dead straight stems up to a metre tall (The longest so far has been 3ft 6inches – I made Head Office measure it as she has always denied that they could grow that tall) and their wretched flowers stick out sideways. They propagate underground, growing new corms furiously all winter while no-one can see what is going on, and they also propagate by seeding. Chuck out your seeds from 3ft 6in in the air, add a breeze and the garden is stuffed for next year! The Spaniards are aggressive and, unless they are interfered with while Management is not looking (pulling up before seeding, digging up, weed-suppressant membrane and so on) they will soon beat all the poor little English bluebells into submission. There have been several articles in the press this year dealing with just this problem. Patients and friends love to torment me with stories about bluebells. I have rid the garden of dandelions (never let a flower turn into a puff ball) and bindweed but blue bells are proving more of a problem; indeed, they are thugs! Any ideas for control would be much appreciated, but don't tell Deannie.

Deannie and I used the weekend of May 7th to visit our son and his family in Spain, While everyone in the UK suffered sunburn and dehydration, we shivered in four days of cloud and rain. As we get older, the airlines seem to extend the walking distances from the terminal to the aeroplane as they build new piers in the fields surrounding the airport. As all the first flights of the low cost airlines take off between 5.30am and 7.30am, the terminal buildings are heaving at that time and all the bars are full of passengers sinking pints of beer, especially on a Friday when all the hen parties, wearing pink outfits and headbands adorned by pink male genitalia, scream about the place. Enough of the Meldrew!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a delicate matter. A few months after the surgery, he said to his wife "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks."

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. For a month, Larry didn't turn up but one day, Bob approached the park and there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, “ Larry, what in the world happened to you?” Larry replied, 'I have been in jail. You know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go? 'Well, one day she accused me of rape and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury”

John's very “correct” mother visited for dinner. During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.  She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John reassured her “Judy and I are strictly room-mates."A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?" "I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John. John wrote  "Dear Mum, While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son." Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: "Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."

Best wishes to you all        Ian Nisbet

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