River Wissey Lovell Fuller

What Does the Doctor Think - May

May 2016

Management and I have been travelling quite a lot recently and I ned to let off some steam. The standard of driving has deteriorated enormously recently. Having been an assessor for the Intitute of Advanced Motorists, I hold conservative views about driving, mostly involving anticipation, progressive driving, defensive driving and, above all safe driving. The current habits of undertaking, tailgating, changing lane erratically without any signalling and pulling out in front of an oncoming vehicle all display ignorance of the basic tenets of safe driving and irritate me a great deal. I do wonder where these people learn to drive and to develop such a great lack of consideration for other road users. Don't start me on zip-merging, the safe and fair way to deal with an obstruction in the road. There, that feels better! Have any of you noticed the recuperative power of wheelchairs at airports. Most wheelchair users are genuine but some of those using “assistance”, which greatly speeds up the process of going through check-in and security, appear to arrive at the destination airport and, having been dealt with speedily by immigration, forsake the wheelchair and step rapidly away from the airport to start their holiday – truly a miracle cure of whatever had been ailing them. There, that feels even better and it must be time for some jokes:

Several men are in a golf club changing room when a mobile phone rings. One of the men answers it and turns it to loudspeaker mode. “Hello Darling, I'm in Harrods and they have this gorgeous leather coat for only £2,000” “You buy it, darling” he said. She carried on “Also, I've just seen the new top of the range Mercedes convertible at £120,000” “You buy it” he said, “but make sure it has all the extras for that price”. She carries on “You remember that house we looked at – well the price has reduced from £2 million to £1.4 million – it has to be a bargain” “Go ahead and buy it” says the man. “You're so good to me, darling, I'll see you later” she purrs gratefully. By this time, all the men in the room are aghast, mouths hanging open, when the man who answered the phone asks them “Does anyone know whose phone that is?” This reminds me of the chap talking loudly to his wife on his mobile 'phone in the railway carriage. “Hello, darling, this is your John, just dying to get back home to you. I can't wait to see you. You're the only one for me etc etc etc” This went on for 20 minutes and everyone else in the carriage was really fed up. In the end, a young lady sitting opposite snatched the 'phone and said “For Goodness' sake, John, put that 'phone down and come back to bed!” Do you remember the days of the tight leather mini skirts? Two jokes spring to mind. The husband always became really excited when his wife wore her new leather mini skirt, She thought his excitement to be well out of proportion to his normal reactions and she quizzed him. “Well” he said “you smell just like a new car”. The next day, and the next joke, she was trying to climb up into a 'bus but the skirt was too tight. She reached behind and pulled her zip down – no benefit. She pulled it further down – no benefit. One more try made no difference. Suddenly, she was picked up by a big strong man behind her and deposited on the platform of the 'bus. She was furious and berated him for interfering with her person, and so on. The tirade involved human rights and all sorts. The man looked sheepish and apologised “As you had pulled my trouser zip down on three occasions, I thought we had some sort of relationship beginning” Six men were on a golfing holiday, sleeping two to a room. After the first night, the one who had spent the night in the same room as George demanded a change because George snored so loudly. One of the others voluteered to join George but, by the next morning, he had suffered enough. Another of the men offered to join George and, the next morning, he told the others that he had slept really well. When asked about it, he said “Well, as we got ready for bed, I tucked George into bed, patted his bottom and kissed him GoodNight! After this, he sat up and watched me all night – he did not sleep a wink but I had a great night's sleep!”

Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet

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