River Wissey Lovell Fuller

What does the Doctor think this month - March

March 2016

Have you ever tried wearing your computer? I use my home computer a lot, mostly for Emails, word processing, running a boat club and the church 200 Club and so on. I have never really embraced social media such as Facebook and I switch my mobile on when I want to make a call. When we go away, I usually take my Ipad and my MacBook Air, which is like a laptop. I use the IPad to access my Emails and the newspapers online and the MacBook, with its larger memory and computing capacity, comes in handy for watching DVDs in the evenings, processing photographs and online learning. Most airlines allow 10kg hand baggage within a small suitcase but some only allow 7kg and are rigid in the application of the rule, charging £18 for every additional kilo. With the 10kg airlines, all is well because the weight of the suitcase, the Ipad, the MacBook Air, the external hard drive, the DVD player attachment and my camera case containing the camera and zoom lens comes to about 10kg. Our trip in January was in the 7kg category and there was no way I could get the weight down to 7kg. Carrying the lap top at check in does not work because the eagle-eyed girl always says “Is that going in your hand luggage?” and makes me weigh it. I once read an article about wearing your luggage. It is possible to buy a coat with many pockets and to put all your clothes and accoutrements for two weeks in those pockets. You would look like a camel at the check out and this is probably best avoided. However, the idea is good. I bought one of those pairs of trousers with multiple pockets down the legs and I always wear a fairly capacious red fleece with good pockets. Arrive at the airport – into the trouser pockets went the zoom lens, the external hard drive and the DVD playing attachment. The bulky camera had to stay in the case but the MacBook went into the rear inside of my trousers, next to the skin, and the Ipad went down the front! The red fleece covered the whole bizarre appearance at the top of my trousers and I approached the check-in desk stiff-legged and nonchalant with a carry on bag weighing less than 7kg so no problem at check in. Off around the corner, all the equipment was restored to the suitcase and we went off through security. Same on the return journey and all was well. It would probably be best if you didn't tell anyone about this ruse as, if rumbled, I might have to wear my computers throughout the flight and that would be extremely uncomfortable.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went in for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but Fridays might be difficult because I play golf”.

A petrol station owner in Leighton Buzzard was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' John pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. John guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, John, along with his friend Alfred, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. John guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, John said to Alfred, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.” “Oh no” said Alfred “it is a genuine offer. My wife won twice last month!”

Two lads were in the army. One was Irish and the other was Jewish. They were doubling around the square, and when they were halted, the Jewish boy, puffing, said to the Irish Lad, "I hate doubling, paddy." The Irish lad said, "I'm not too keen on Tel Aviv, either." This reminds me of the old joke concerning three deaf men. “Today's Wednesday” says the first. “No” says the second “it's Thursday”. “So am I” I said the third “Let's go for a cup of tea”.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad or Mum at home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your older brother, Howard, is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad. Would you like me to give Dad a message?” "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably "I really want to talk to your Dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant" The boy thought for a moment, then said "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bulls and £150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Testing the children on their homework, a primary school teacher asked her pupils which part of the human body increases up to ten times its size when stimulated. Mary stood up and said “You should not be asking primary school children questions like that. I am going to get you fired!” Billy stood up and said “It's the pupil of the eye”. “Very good” said the teacher and, turning to Mary, said “I have three thing to say to you: One – you did not read your homework – two, you have a dirty mind and – three, one day, you are going to be really, really disappointed”.

Best wishes to you all Ian Nisbet

Copyright remains with independent content providers where specified, including but not limited to Village Pump contributors. All rights reserved.