River Wissey Lovell Fuller


November 2013

November 2013

The past month has been fairly quiet. Although a lot has happened, there is little to write about.We spent a very happy 10 days in Spain with two of our sons and their families who live over there. I asked one of my sons if I could borrow a newspaper. “Dad” he said “This is the 21st Century – use my Ipad” The fly never knew what hit it!  On October 8th, daughter Charlotte gave birth to a son, Leo, our 17th grandchild. Deannie was thrilled to be one of the “birthing partners” and was present throughout the entire labour and delivery.

Robot for sale – no reasonable offer refused

A young friend of mine was anxious to teach his children to tell the truth at all times. He bought a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie and decided to try it out at dinner one night. Father asked his son whether or not he had done his homework. “Yes, of course” came the reply. SLAP! “OK, I was round at my friend's house, watching movies” said the son. No slap. The father asked which movie. “Toy Story”. SLAP. “OK – we were watching porn”.

“What?” said the father “At your age, I didn't know what porn was”  SLAP and the father flew across the room.

Mother laughed and said “Well, he certainly is your son”. The SLAP knocked her off her chair. After this, the robot went on the market. As the Dowager Countess of Grantham said  on Downton Abbey the other night “You can have too much truth in any relationship”.

How do arguments start?

This is always an exciting, if slightly dangerous, topic of conversation. Here are several examples of how fights have started: (Just for clarity, none of these refers to Management or to me)

“We were lying in bed, watching 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I asked the wife if she would agree to marital relations and she said “NO”. I asked her if that was her final answer -it was – so I said I would have to 'phone a friend. The fight  started”.

“When our lawn mower broke down, my wife kept hinting that I should repair it and mow the lawn. After several weeks, I came home to find her making her point by snipping the lawn with a pair of nail scissors. I went indoors and brought back a toothbrush, saying “When you have finished the lawn, you could sweep the driveway” The doctors say I should be able to walk again before long”.

“I got up early one Saturday morning to go fishing. I packed up my lunch and went out to the car. It was pouring with rain, obviously set in for the day. I went back into the house, undressed quietly and slipped into bed, cuddling my wife in anticipation. I whispered “The weather is terrible” “Yes” she replied “and my stupid husband is out fishing in it” The fight started.

“My wife was discussing what she wanted for her birthday – something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds – I bought her a bathroom scale and the fight started”

“My wife was standing naked in front of a mirror, most unhappy with what she saw. 'I need you to pay me a compliment', she said. I replied 'Your eyesight is very nearly perfect' and the fight started.”

“One year I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. The next Christmas, when she complained that I had not bought her a present, I said 'Well, you haven't used the present I bought for you last year' That's when the fight started.

“My wife stripped off and asked me what excited me most about her – her pretty face or her sexy body. I replied 'Your sense of humour' and the fight started.

Fun with words

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.

An Eastern European cleaner took 15 hours to Hoover a room. Turned out she was a Slovak

Since it snowed, all my wife has done is look through the window – I'll have to let her in.

Two junkies snorted curry instead of cocaine. One's in a Korma and the other's got a dodgy tikka.

Japanese have made a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can photo a woman with her mouth shut.

Many thanks to those of you who send me jokes, about 10% of which I can use in these articles – keep them coming!

Best wishes to you all                 Ian Nisbet

Copyright remains with independent content providers where specified, including but not limited to Village Pump contributors. All rights reserved.