River Wissey Lovell Fuller

What does the Doctor thin for June?

July 2013

Currently, the pheasant is living happily with his two women and his friend, the wood pigeon. They continue to grow fat on the bird food intended for the smaller and more interesting birds, graciously provided by Head Office (for new readers, also known as the Wife, Deannie, Management or Lollipop). The pheasants trample everything and rake the stones onto the path and, to be fair, I do find the cock's strident alarm call irritating. In spite of his well-fed state, he does seem to be alarmed very often and the mighty squawk often startles me. However, this is as nothing when compared with the problems endured by a 77 year old lady in Wentnor, Shropshire, who also has a resident pheasant. When she goes outside, he attacks her, digs his claws into her head and hangs on. He stares at the family through the french windows and runs alongside their car, headbutting the wheels. He will follow the husband upper a ladder, attacking his heels. The family has named the pheasant “Phil”. A couple of years ago, another pheasant terrorised a village in North Yorkshire, picking on cars and cyclists and chasing children,screaming,  through the village.A pheasant in Newsham scared off visitors and a postman in Dunsley found his daily round very difficult as a pheasant would lie in wait for him as he got out of his van, attacking the postman as he walked to the post box. The pheasant would then follow the van to the next post box, pecking at the tyres, and attacking the postman again at the next box!

Apparently, according to Charles Nodder of the Gamekeepers' Association, this behaviour is not unusual and relates to their territorial nature during the mating season which lasts from February to June and can involve several hens (one year, our pheasant had seven hens following him around).

So, it looks as though we are getting off lightly with our pheasant. It would be good to give him a name. How about “Hoover” as he hoovers up all the seed intended for others?  (Note the use of a trade name as a verb – you do not yet hear of people dysoning up their rubbish).

Management tells me that I am becoming grumpier as I get older. Obviously, this is only her perception of events and is open to discussion. Certainly, some thing do irritate me, like the arrows painted on the ground in large car parks -why do they always seem to point the wrong way, opposite to my direction of travel? Wouldn't you think that the people using all the paint and labour would get it right? The advice on motorways to “Leave two chevrons between you and the vehicle in front” makes me wonder why they don't only paint half the number of chevrons at twice the spacing and advise the motorists to leave one chevron between them and the vehicle in front. The money saved on paint and labour could pay for pothole repairs.

SAVE THE DATE!   Sunday, June 23rd at 3pm – Afternoon tea at our house and garden.

The Old House, 9, Lodge Road**, Feltwell, IP26 4DL. Come and meet Management and the pheasant who, with any luck, might be stuffed and mounted by then – the pheasant, that is, not Management.**

The event is to raise funds for St George's Church, Methwold and tickets at £5.00 can be obtained by ringing us on 01842 828956.

A blind lady and her guide dog, Buddy, were travelling from Melbourne to Brisbane when the 'plane was diverted to Sydney. Everyone got off the 'plane except for our lady. The captain came down and asked the lady if she would like to stretch her legs as they had an hour's wait. “No thank you” she said “but Buddy might like a walk”.  Imagine the scene at the gate as the passengers saw the captain, wearing dark sunglasses and accompanied by the guide dog, walking from the aeroplane. The 'plane was half empty for the next leg of the journey!

Tommy Cooper:  A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid but he reckons he can stop at any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday and noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later, they were still at it. I thought to myself “Those blokes have lost the plot”. My budgie broke it leg so I made a splint out of two matches. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of the cage.

Notice on the back of a white van  'IS THIS VAN BEING DRIVEN CAREFULLY? IF YES, TELEPHONE THE POLICE AS IT MUST HAVE BEEN STOLEN'       Best wishes to you all      Ian Nisbet

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