WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH?
WhIan fails to understand that his son was calling to say he had become engaged!
Tiffany & Co: This is a large American company which sells jewellery. Their flagship store is in New York City, at the junction of 5th Avenue and 57th Street. (I didn't know, I Googled it!). A few years ago, our son, Angus, who had gone to New York with his girlfriend to run the New York Marathon (not my genes, I assure you) telephoned to say that he was in Tiffany's and that he had bought Lizzie a ring. Currently, they were enjoying a complimentary bottle of Champagne and he had been allowed to make one telephone call, courtesy of Tiffany's. I said all the right things like "Oh, that's nice - how was the Marathon - enjoy the rest of your break", etc., and it was only after I told Head Office about the conversation that she told me Angus must have been ringing to tell me he had become engaged to Lizzie! I had not realised. So, the son wasted his one and only free call on a father who did not cotton on. He could have said "Dad, We are in Tiffany's and we have got engaged". That I would have understood.
Thinking about all this reminded me of the lady who, while looking at a bracelet in Tiffany's, broke wind inadvertently. Very embarrassed, she looked round, hoping she was alone, only to see a salesman standing behind her. "Good morning, madam, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortable, the lady enquired the price of the bracelet, hoping that the salesman had not been aware of her lapse. "Madam, if just looking at the bracelet made you break wind, I shudder to think what might happen if I told you the price!"
Eddie: Our friend, Marian, is putting together a display of horrors for the church in Feltwell. In one of my old anatomy books, there is a picture of a skull with a pencil passed horizontally through the skull at the level of the joint where the jawbone meets the skull. Printing it for her exhibition reminded me that I have long enjoyed the impossible story of "Eddie", an unfortunate child who was born as just a head, with no body at all. The obstetrician commiserated with the mother but, as the child was perfectly healthy apart from the absence of a body, they decided to call him Eddie and that he could go home. The doctor promised the mother that, as soon as a child was born with just a body and no head, he would make contact and Eddie could be attached to the new baby body.
Time went by and Eddie spent most of his time in the bedroom. His 21st birthday arrived and the mother received a call from the hospital, offering connection to a new-born body. His mother shouted upstairs, "Eddie, I've got a wonderful birthday surprise for you". Bouncing to the top of the stairs, Eddie shouted "Tell me it's not another hat". The operation failed - the mismatch in size was too great. Eddie joined the Army and had to go to war. A senior officer visited the troops in hospital. The first soldier's arms had been blown off, but he remained quite cheerful as he would be given new arms - he was commended for his courage. The second soldier had suffered the loss of both legs but he was equally cheerful (he would be given new legs) and was commended for his courage. The officer came to the next bed - there lay Eddie, looking thoroughly miserable. "What's the matter with you; why do you look so miserable?" enquired the officer. "Wouldn't you be miserable with toothache?" replied Eddie.
Eddie survived the war, came home and put on some weight. He had never been able to write, so he decided to sort himself out. He went on the Cambridge Diet and bought a pencil. His friends thought that he had taken the diet "a bit too far" but Eddie disagreed and, as he was so proud of his new appearance, he commissioned a portrait which, at first sight, looks just like a skull with a pencil passed through it. Ring me if you want to see the picture - 01842 828956)
Let's have some fun: A man, with thoughts on romance, tells his wife that he is about to make his wife the happiest woman in the world. "I'll miss you" she replies. On a really hot day, a husband asks his wife what the neighbours might think if he mowed the lawn naked. Probably that I married you for your money" came the reply. Girls -what does it mean when a man is in your bed, gasping for breath and calling out your name? It means you have not held the pillow down for long enough. Girls, how can you stop your husband reading your Emails? Rename the mail folder "Instruction manuals". An eighty four year old man came to see me for a check up and told me that he was going to marry a twenty year old girl. Amazed by this, I felt obliged to warn him that, under those circumstances, intimacy could be fatal. "Ah well" he said "if she dies,she dies!"
Best wishes to you all
Ian G. Nisbet