River Wissey Lovell Fuller


June 2004

Les takes an apochraphal look at recent newspaper articles

I enjoy reading readers letters in our national press and I think some are amusing. Dennis Rutterford from Stavely North Yorkshire writes that on a recent car journey to Inverness he averaged just under 40 mpg but on the way back just over 40 mpg thereby proving in his view that it's uphill going North and downhill coming South. Jo Dean from Cheltenham tells us her 90 year old Mother has taken out a funeral plan specifying that she wants cremation. The Companies letter of acceptance offers her, "a very warm welcome". It appears that Mother can hardly wait. Mrs. Patsy Purvis, address unknown, has been given a prescription from her Doctor for a sore throat and cough. Reading the possible side effects she notes they are: mild sore throat, coughing, and hoarseness. She wonders now if the prescription isn't working or is she suffering from the side effects?

When the organist failed to turn up at a wedding a friend of the groom volunteered to "have a go", confessing that his repertoire was somewhat limited. The writer states that his fiancee entered the Church to "There is a Green Hill Far Away" and we sailed out, man and wife he tells us, to "For Those in Peril on the Sea". John Webb from Tavistock in Devon phoned Direct Line insurance regarding a motor claim. When he was put on hold he had to listen to Frank Sinatra singing, "That's Life". He was more fortunate than Helen Willcock of Sutton Coldfield who, when she rang KLM Flying Dutchman, was put on hold to the music of, "If It Takes Forever I Will Wait For You". Helen concludes, "It did, but I didn't".

It's not just letters which can be comical; so of course can cartoons. One I like is when a man and his wife on board an aircraft were looking somewhat startled as a voice came over the loud speaker, "This is your Captain, Osama Bin Laden, speaking". Then another one shows Saddam Hussein talking to some UN Inspectors, "I did have some weapons of mass destruction but my butler sold them all", a reference to a butler of the late Princes Di. Another cartoon which made me smile was when a lovely young lady was on a test drive with a 'fancy his chances' examiner. She advised him, "I would suggest you make an emergency stop right here". She may well have failed her test but that's another story.

A notice at a Slimming Club advised its Members, "Due to continued success we have had to move to smaller premises". Do you get that one? Another cartoon showed the postman calling at the office of a Spiritualist Society, getting no response the postman open the door shouting out, "Hello is there anybody there?" My favourite one of all is where the Husband is sitting in his armchair surrounded by empty beer cans obviously the worse for wear. His dear Wife informs him, "It's a pity the grass isn't cut as often as you are". At the end of the day you must have a sense of humour, particularly a somewhat weird one.

Les Lawrence

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