River Wissey Lovell Fuller

Pavements to be Privatised

November 2003

An apochrophal look at possible new laws!

Pavements to be Privatised

From Peter J Walker & Major Roads Boyson

The government is set to sell off Britain's pavements in a £7,000 billion scheme to raise money to give away in the next budget.

Transport supreme, Mr. Paul Chinless yesterday detailed the plan to introduce "Pay-As-You-Walk" pavement to Britain's cities. Shares will be sold to the public (Kuwait Petroleum Inc.) in a newly formed company to be called BP (or British Pavements).

The ownership of all "pedestrian thoroughfares" will be transferred by law to the new company, which will be completely responsible for their future maintenance and up-keep.

"This will save Britain's local authorities an estimated £700 billion a day" Mr. Chinstrap lied, "which will be a major contribution to keeping down next years council tax".

Special new yellow and blue BP "tollbooths" with automatic barriers will be installed on every street corner in Britain. In order to gain access to the pavements, members of the public will simply have to pay a "reasonable toll fee" (initially estimated at £1.50 per metre, or part of a metre.)

The Government is keen to emphasise that there will be no limit to the number of metres that a pedestrian can subscribe for at any one time, and members of the waling public will theoretically be able to walk from Lands End to John O'Groats, if they can afford it.

To ensure no "fare-dodging" by the lower waged, special teams of security officials (known as "Walkmans") will be employed by BP to throw non-paying pedestrians into the path of on-coming traffic using the new Executive Gold Card Enterprise Lanes of the new "Pay-As-You-Drive roads that the Government is hoping to introduce first.

First published in the Private Eye - The Satiric Verses!

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