River Wissey Lovell Fuller

The Percentages Have It

January 2003

82.5% of Les' stories are made up

A friend of mine recently had the somewhat splendid idea of forming a Club for those people who have a mathematical frame of mind. He decided to send out a number of application forms and was delighted with the response. Some 73% replied at once saying how much they liked the idea, the other remaining 45% said they couldn't see much point in it. At the inaugural meeting 57% of the 73% who had originally welcomed the idea turned up. 87% of the 45% who didn't like the idea said they had reconsidered their position and would have turned up but they had to attend their Grandmothers funeral, the dear Lady had met with an unfortunate accident when she fell downstairs in her newly acquired Bungalow.

Of the next of kin who were expected to attend the funeral, 91% turned up at the Church, the other 48% went to a Ballroom Dance at the Winter Gardens Bournemouth. Of the 48% who went to the Dance 78% wore evening dress, and the other 33% didn't wear anything at all as they were under the impression that they were going to join a Nudist Colony. Of those who attended the funeral 92% joined in the singing of 'Abide with Me' the other 27%, including the Vicar, abstained on the grounds that they would have gone to the Dance had they had known anything about it.

Later, at the inaugural meeting, fighting broke out over a dispute regarding the subscriptions. 48% considered £5 per year to be reasonable, 58% thought that £2-50 every six months was nearer the mark, and a further 27% left the Meeting to join the Conservative Party having just heard about the antics of John Major and Edwina Curry. For some unknown reason the Chairman was elected when 37% voted for him, 84% were against, and the remaining 16% asked if the question could be repeated. The Chairman insisted that all the males present should vote on whether they would marry their wives again. 12% said they would, 9% were undecided, and 89% said they would marry Ulrika Jonsson.

When the fighting at the inaugural meeting finally subsided, 93% then voted that the Club should be wound up, 25% voted against, with 14% undecided. All of this proved to be too much for my dear friend who lost his temper and decided to wash his hands of the whole thing. His Wife, not to be out done, then proposed that in place of the Mathematicians Club she was in favour of forming a Diners Club. Of those who were still sober at the time, 84% were in favour, and 29% opposed, as they seemed more interested in Ballroom Dancing, especially in Bournemouth.

It was finally agreed that a Diners Club would be the best way forward and at the first Dinner a guest-speaker would be invited. Some confusion arose as to whom to invite. 28% suggested Cilla Black, 35% were in favour of Geoffrey Archer, and the remaining 64% voted for Gillian Shephard. The meeting broke up in disorder when word was received that the Vicar had decided to turn his back on Holy Orders as he was off to join the Nudist Club. Some 73% deplored his actions, but a further 68% decided to join him. The Chairman then stormed out of the Meeting indicating that he was off to join the W.I. upon which 45%...

Les Lawrence

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