River Wissey Lovell Fuller

Just Neighbours

December 2002

Just Julia's Jacuzzi

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. Yes, you are quite right! I never do any work; I spend all my time talking. Anyway, he was telling me about his neighbours and how he wishes they would all move. It appears that his Wife spends all her evenings watching such TV programmes as Emmerdale Farm, Coronation Street, Eastenders, and of course Home and Away; that's the one that Alf is in and what's more my friend understands Alf gets paid for it as well, lucky Alf.

As my friend is not a TV man, he spends his evenings peering behind the curtains trying to find out what his neighbours are up to. And what he has told me rather confidentially is that they don't seem to be up to anything apart that is from mowing the lawn. Now this subject I'm sure wouldn't have cropped up had it not been for the fact that my friend has been reading in one of our national papers about Julia Pilkington who is one of the Pilkington Glass family. It appears that Julia is a Vicar's daughter, who should suggest fireworks of some sort or another, and indeed it has. According to my friend, our Julia and indeed her neighbours, are the sort of people he would willingly die for. It seems they don't just spend their time mowing the lawn but other activities are catered for as well!

Our Julia fell out with the woman next door when she made, what Julia considered, was a Lesbian advance. Now this has upset my friend because his neighbours have never made any advances to him at all. In fact, he tells me even his Bank Manager hasn't made any advances either which of course has left him in a somewhat depressed state, and come to think of it rather short of cash as well. To continue my friend's story, assuming you are still there, oh you are, I would have thought by now you would have got fed up with this and walked out. Anyway Julia appears to have got a Jacuzzi in her garden and her neighbour accused her of having sex in it in the early hours of the morning. Julia dismissed this saying, 'we were just having relations', a remark which has completely unnerved my friend.

Being a married man, he understood what sex was all about. Him and his wife use to engage in this activity years ago when they were first married. This was before his wife had the accident with the wheelbarrow. Where my friend got rather confused was he couldn't understand this 'relations bit'. He thought relations meant such as his mother in law, a subject he is reluctant to discuss at any great length. It seems it doesn't all end there. Apparently, the neighbours are supposed to have thrown paint all over Julia's Jacuzzi. Whether the dear Julia was having sex there at the time is not known. My friend tells me that the moral of this story, as far as he's concerned, is why can't he have neighbours like this instead of people who do nothing more exciting than mowing the lawn. He thinks he lives in a very unfair world and, as he has just bought me a drink, I think I will agree with him. What I don't understand is why he doesn't want to talk about his mother in law.

Les Lawrence

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