River Wissey Lovell Fuller

Stop Waffling

April 2002

Could Les Lawrence write the script for a soap opera?

I was talking to a Lady recently. Yes I know she's a Lady because she told me so. I am, of course, a Gentleman and it has occurred to me that if she wasn't, and I wasn't, this article would be a darned sight more interesting than it's going to be. Probably you have read the best bit already, anyway that's as maybe. I had better cut out the waffling and get to the point. Well, first of all I had to look this word up in the Dictionary and all I could find was waffle, which is some kind of pancake. Is waffling just a Norfolk word? I don't know.

This dear Lady said to me the other night, 'I do like reading your little bit's in the Village Pump - you write like you talk, you waffle.' Well if it wasn't for the fact that I like the dear Lady I would have been grossly offended. Like reading my 'little bits'; I haven't got any 'little bits'. Well, if I have I'm not telling you lot about then. So do I waffle? Do other people waffle? And the answer is we all do, at the end of the day no one has said anything of any importance.

Take the articles, like what I write, for our Village Pump. Let's face it, what a load of rubbish. But the good news is it keeps me away from a certain type of women, which is a shame really. The remarkable thing is that a lot of people like all of this nonsense. How else can you explain how popular the Soaps are? I do occasionally see glimpses of some of these Soaps. My favourite one, the one I dislike the most, is 'Home & Away'. Alf just about sends me round the bend, but what about that Headmaster? Why don't they pension the lot off? Writing the word off reminds me of someone I knew who was a pleasant enough chap, but I think he thought he was rather important; he use to talk with a plum in his mouth. He use to say to me, 'Well I must now be Orf. Coming into our local Post Office he would say, 'May I have a second class Stimp' not stamp. Then he would say, 'I'm now going back to my Hice,' not house, silly blighter. It all reminded me of 'Faulty Towers'. When some character was waffling on about something, Basil said to him, 'Are you alright?' My kind of programme, without doubt.

Just to finish on another bit of waffling. I went to a Dance the other night and the Band Leader was as good a Comedian as he was a Musician. The joke goes like this. Man with two wooden legs has his bungalow burnt down and his legs as well. The Insurance Company refused his claim and when the man complained the Company said, 'You haven't got a leg to stand on.' What did I tell you, you should have stopped reading earlier, I told you it would get worse.

Les Lawrence

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