WHAT DOES THE DOCTOR THINK THIS MONTH?

As mentioned in previous articles, Management and I are undertaking a “soft Feltxit” from Feltwell to Hagley in Worcestershire. After a torrid summer, it became apparent that we now need our kids far more than they need us and we took the decision to move near to four of them. We have bought a house in Hagley and have started moving stuff to the new house in dribs and drabs in between trips to the hospital for ongoing hip problems. Being a new property, it will look after itself while we sell “The Old House” in Feltwell. Also, each of the the four kids, Alyson, Calum, Grant and Charlotte, who live nearby, has a key so they can check the house from time to time. I issued the usual warning about not having any parties in our absence; this prompted the reply that, if they did sneak into the new house, it would be for an early night, certainly not a party! Those of you who spend nights away from home, staying with family or friends, will be familiar with the following scenario. You go into the shower without your reading glasses and look for the shampoo. All the bottles are similar – pale pink plastic with pale pink writing, dark green plastic with dark green writing, and so on. Impossible to tell what is what so you leave the shower and fetch your specs. It turns out that all the potential bottles of shampoo are, in fact, hair conditioner and the other one is a body wash which will have to double as a shampoo. Of course, all showers have different controls but they all share one feature – the first 30 seconds of water will be cold, so do not stand inside the shower cubicle while you try to work out the controls – do it from outside and only step into the cubicle after the flow is of a suitable temperature (and the bathroom floor is really wet). Finish your shower and the towel rail is on the other side of the bathroom. No choice but to launch yourself into the comparatively cold bathroom and drip across the room to collect your towel. Dry yourself and the environment. Exhausted, you wonder if there is time for a quick lie down before breakfast.

An elderly couple survived a 'plane crash, landing on a desert island in the middle of nowhere. Obviously, they were worried that they might never be found. The husband thought for a while and then asked his wife “Did you pay the Barclaycard statement?” “No, I forgot”. Did you pay the Mastercard statement?” “No. I forgot” “Did you pay the car hire purchase money?” “No, I forgot”. “Ah well” said the husband “we can be sure that one of them will find us before long so we shall be OK”. Three blondes apply to join the police force. To test their powers of recognition, the sergeant shows the first one a picture, then hides it. “Would you recognise him again?” “Oh, that's easy – he only has one eye” “That's because the picture only shows his profile” said the sergeant. He then showed the picture to the second girl who said “That's easy, he only has one ear” “That's because the picture only shows his profile” groaned the sergeant before showing the picture to the third girl who responded immediately “That's easy, he wears contact lenses”. Mightily impressed, the sergeant goes to the files and discovers that the suspect did, in fact, wear contact lenses and he complimented the girl on her perspicacity and asked her how she had worked it out. “Oh, that's easy. A man with only one eye and one ear could never wear conventional spectacles so he must wear contact lenses”. The sergeant gave up in disgust! A lady move house and registered at a new dentist. She noticed that his name was identical to that of a boy who had been in her class at school 30 years ago. He had been really handsome and she had had a crush on him. When she saw him, she rapidly decided that the bald, fat, stooped old man could not have been her classmate. She asked him and was surprised to hear that he was, indeed, the same lad. When she told him that he had been in her class, he looked at her carefully and said “I'm really sorry but I don't recognise you. What subject did you teach?”.

All good wishes for 2017 Ian Nisbet